


Echo's of the past

by Batgirlandrobin13



Series: Laurel Lance Character Studies [2]
Category: Arrow (TV 2012), Birds of Prey (Comic), Black Canary (Comics)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Canonical Character Death, Multi, References to Depression, Suicide Attempt, Temporary Character Death
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-29
Updated: 2017-09-18
Packaged: 2018-10-24 01:45:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 20,938
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10731591
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Batgirlandrobin13/pseuds/Batgirlandrobin13
Summary: How different people effected Laurel Lance's Life.





	1. Thea Queen

Dinah Laurel Lance was 22 when she died. The official report says 30. 4 days from 31 for those who care enough to ask. Not many of those you'll find. That's okay not many people remembered her birthday when she was alive. Something always came up. The first year Oliver came back it was the undertaking. The second year Slade. The third year Ra's al Ghul. The fourth well she was dead for that. There's a blunt way of putting it.

Thea always remembered though. Isn't it sad that Laurel Lance's best (only; sometimes) friend is her ex's little sister. Both of her exes little sister at that. Thea brought gifts and food even if Laurel didn't want to remember her birthday.

Thea was 13 the first time. The first birthday without her sister. It's harder then she thought it would be. Thea showed up on her door. Thea looks so upset.

She remembers asking, "Speedy? What's wrong? Do you want to come in?" Thea shakes her head and shoves a gift bag into her hands. Before running off. She can't remember what was in the bag. It made her cry though. Everything did on important dates. Sometimes still does. Tommy's birthday, the day he died. Stuff like that. She's gotten better, but that feeling is still there.

Thea points out the card from the bag hidden in her office. It reads as follows:  
Happy 23rd birthday to one Laurel Lance. I know we aren't close or anything, but I thought you might appreciate a card or something. -Thea Queen

She doesn't tell Thea that she wasn't the only one to remember her birthday that year. She was however the only one who gave Laurel anything. Somehow that last part is the saddest thing of all. She doesn't dare tell Thea that she only ever really received the gifts that Thea sent her. No one else, but Tommy when he was alive ever bothered. Doesn't want to see the sadness written out on Thea's face. Doesn't want pity.

No Laurel doesn't want anyone's pity. Especially not from Thea. Who comes with her own set of problems and Laurel doesn't want to overshadow them. She's just trying to be a good somewhat older sister to Thea. Oliver clearly isn't there nearly enough for Thea. She can't believe he just left his sister in a loft with her bloodstain on it. Where Thea Queen almost died. Did die technically.

Not that Oliver will ever listen to that point. This isn't even about him. No it's about the better Queen. About Thea's effect of Laurel's life.

It was huge. It is huge.

Thea over the coarse of the years became the most important person in her life. Thea was Laurel confident. Her best friend, her partner when they were on the field. Thea is the person Laurel has to take care of. She has to make sure Thea doesn't end up like her. She can handle that. Protecting Thea.

However what Thea did for Laurel is a lot more important. It's Thea's name on her lips when she dies; both times for those of you who are confused. The first involves a bridge because if her sister and cheating scumbag of a boyfriend drowned then so should she. It's only fair.

Besides it's not like anyone's going to miss her when she's gone. Her father he's climbed into a bottle and forgets about his living child. Her mother she's gone now. Her mother left her alone. Tommy was always more of Oliver's friend then her own. Especially after her and Ollie got together. Everything changed then, she can't fully blame him. She doesn't blame him.

Her note said that. Not that he ever read it. Thea did though. Thea who was given a spare key a month after she moved in because she needed some social contact that wasn't in law school. Why she choose 12 year old Thea; to this day she is not sure.

Anyways Laurel stands on the bridge leading out of Starling. It's dark and for some reason there is no traffic. She thinks it's better this way. It's better if there's no one around. Not that it matters. No one would care if little Laurel Lance "who's boyfriend cheated on her with her own sister can you imagine" jumped off the bridge. No one would notice if she wasn't around tomorrow. It might be a week before someone even noticed she was missing. Even longer before they figure she was dead.

At least this way she won't be a burden on anyone anymore. She steps onto the ledge. She hears a car roar behind her. Just speed by she thinks. Just let her die. It's better this way. It's going to be better. She steps of the ledge and see's Thea Queen step out of the van and scream.

Laurel doesn't regret jumping. No matter what she'll tell people she doesn't regret. Some distant part of her brain recognizes she should. Regret jumping that is. She can't find herself doing it though. Even years later as she's being haunted by ghosts. She can't bring herself to regret jumping. She does have regrets about that night however...

She regrets is Thea's screams. Thea should never have seen that. Thea's name is sitting on her lips when she's grabbed. She nearly shouts look away. She regrets the strong arms that catch her. Walter Steele she'll later learn. He saved her life. She didn't want to be saved.

Her response to being saved is, "You really should've let me die. Sorry Thea. You should've. It would be better that way." Thea just starts sobbing and Laurel didn't know what she supposed to do. She just apologized over and over again.

Thea whispered that night, "I lost my brother and my dad, I can't lose anyone else. I don't want to go to anymore funerals." Laurel says she won't try again. She's lying. However she made sure that if she ever attempted suicide again Thea wouldn't find out. Well not until after she died the second time anyways.

She did die that night. Just no one noticed. She lost something that night. She was never able to find it. Walter Steele nearly missed grabbing her. She almost died. Which was the plan in the first place. After everything she's almost upset that she didn't die that night. It really would have saved her a lot of trouble. Not that she'll ever say that aloud. Except maybe to her sponsor, but even then she doubts she'll say it. Dinah Laurel Lance died that night. The next day she got up and continued on with her routine.

That's how it goes with her it seems. She breaks down and then she goes on. Not even Thea understood that. How she could just fake her way through life. Not that any of them do, but she'll get to them later. 

Thea is 17 year's old when Oliver comes home. Laurel is 27. Those are important numbers. 10 years is big difference in age. So can you really blame the two of them that they drifted apart. Not that they were so close to begin with. They were civil to each other. They got each presents and stuff on holidays. The normal stuff. So yes, they drifted away from each other. 

Laurel to CNRI (Or Canary if you know who to ask). Her 3 degrees proudly placed in her apartment. (Law, psychology and criminology) She's almost near a point where she can handle her emotions. If she avoid's her dad for long enough that is. Though he too is getting better. She's moved on. She's on a path that would've ended up with her wearing a mask anyways Oliver. She's always cared slightly too much for justice. She's at one of the better points in her second life. She's doing alright.

Thea is 17. She's doing drugs, hanging with the wrong crowd. Going to parties. She's turning out just like her brother. That hurts Laurel more then she cares to admit. She was so sure Thea was going to grow up differently. The first real conversation the two of them destroyed that idea. Thea is nothing like Oliver. That's something that Laurel is thankful for. She's not sure if she could handle another Oliver. 

Thea joins her at CNRI when she's 18. Laurel is still 27. It's the closest they've been and it works. They work well as team. They somehow despite the odds became friends. Or something close to friends anything. 

Sure Laurel was busy trying to make things work with Tommy and avoiding Oliver, and Thea had Roy. Still Laurel spent her days teaching Thea how to do legal things. She can't help, but feel like she has to do something to make Thea's life better. She never figured out that someone who would never leave was all Thea ever wanted.

Then Tommy dies and everything changes. 

 

Oliver's gone, he left again and left his sister behind again. Thea who spends her days at Laurel's or Roy's because she has no where else to go. The Queen mansion is far to large for just one person. Moira is in jail. Ollie how could you leave Thea behind? Thea needs her big brother. Laurel doesn't, would it be nice to have someone to hold on to while she spirals. Yes. However Laurel's survived without him before. She doesn't need him. However his sister does.

Something else that is different. She has a ghost now. Tommy stands just behind her shoulder. Haunting her for the rest her far too short life. She see's Thea's ghost faintly. Robert Queen. He doesn't stand nearly as close to Thea, as Tommy does to her. She wonders what it means. 

Actually she doesn't. She doesn't actually care. She's drowning. Heh, that's funny. She's drowning just like Sara. Sara who's not actually dead. Who didn't actually drown. Well what would Perfect Sara say if she knew Laurel almost did. She makes Thea promise to never tell Oliver or Sara exactly what happened. They never find out. That's for the best even if she's nearly dead again now. 

Thea notices first. She really shouldn't be. It's before she loses her job, or maybe it's afterwords. She can't really remember. Everything that year blurs together. She remember's Thea and Roy and someone named Sin needed help finding information. She remembers figuring out that Sebastian Blood was evil, and no one believing her. She remember's drinking, so much drinking. 

Thea notices that she's folding in on herself. She's disappearing under work and pill bottles, and wine. It's Thea who sees the expression on her face when she walks into Verdant after that family dinner. It's Thea who sees that it's more then an addiction. Its Thea who tells her to stop drinking and see if it changed anything. It's Thea who sees that she's addicted to hurting herself not just drinking, or pills. Just anything that could kill her. 

It's Thea who takes her to a hotel room just out of Starling City and goes, "This is what friends do for one another. They understand when you can't be somewhere because it hurts to much. My brother is not your friend Laurel. He will destroy you without a second thought. You deserve better friends. Ones who don't look at your addiction as the worst thing you could ever do. I've seen the worst thing you've done. This is maybe the second. However I beat my addiction. You can beat yours."

Thea stands by her, well as much as 19 year old Thea can. It's more then anyone else does. Thea pulls her out of the darkness. No matter they'll tell you it was not Oliver Queen who did that. It was Thea. 

It's Thea who celebrates when she's gone a week without alcohol, and pills. It's Thea who smiles at her encouragingly as she stands 2 months sober. It's Thea who stands by her and never goes back on it. Never uses her addiction as a tactic to belittle her. That is Thea Queen. 

Or it was anyways. Thea gets her second ghost. Moira Queen. Who stands right next to Robert both of them are far to close to Thea. Not as close as Tommy is to her. She figures that's a good thing. The funny thing Thea never notices her ghosts. Yet Laurel can't stop seeing them. This is usually where Helena Bertinalli's words echo in her head, "Once you let the darkness inside it never comes out."

Then Thea is gone. Far away from Starling. Laurel almost regrets she can't join her. Thea leaves and once again Laurel is alone. Well not quite, she's repairing her friendship with Oliver even though Thea's warning sits in the back of her head. She's trying to look past her fathers mistake. She misses her sister. She talks to her mother. She works and works and that's it. That's Laurel Lance. Hiding in the background. Her story never quite as needed as the others. If someone had even bothered to look behind the surface they would've found so much more. No one did. Thea didn't know. So it won't be mentioned here. 

Thea is gone and now Sara is dead. Sara dies in Laurel's arms. So Laurel get's another ghost. Thea returns and is so different. So Laurel rages until Thea tells her the truth. Sara is dead and Thea killed her is not the first thought despite what some would like to believe. Her first thought is Merlyn needs to be punished not just for Sara, but now Thea. Thea is not responsible for something she was forced to do. Thea is not responsible for Sara's death. 

Thea dies because of Oliver. Not that Laurel finds that out until later. Much to late. Laurel is to busy training. She'll apologize for that later.

Thea will laugh and tell her, "You need this Laur, Being the Black Canary it suits you. You're a hero." Laurel doesn't dare think about the hidden comm in her earrings and the microphone hidden in necklaces. 

With a woman behind them who once said, "Dinah Laurel Lance well doesn't that sound like a superhero." 

 

Thea's right. It does suit her. She can't see ever giving this up. She's actually starting to feel like she could move on. Oliver's gone and Thea's moved in. Thea who Laurel found crying over a bloodstain carpet and a broken coffee table. It took Laurel 3 hours to pack everything of importance. She doesn't even hesitate to let Thea into her home. Letting Thea in on her deepest secrets is never done.

She does share secrets in between commercials on movies their both only half watching. Ice cream tubs in-between them. Crying from nightmares and flashbacks of times they'd rather forget. She shares stories she only half remembers and Thea shares her own right back. Shares broken pieces of their lives that no one else knows. Suddenly Laurel knows what it means to truly be friends with someone. She never had this sort of friendship before.

Oliver returns and Laurel drifts away again. Thea notices and try's to pull her back to the smiling woman that was there just there a few weeks ago. Thea fails. It's not really anyone's fault at this point. Laurel's just to afraid that he'll belittle her. Or treat her like she's less. So Laurel leaves for a weekend. It's not nearly enough to calm to buzzing her ears. She leaves and comes back with Sara Lance in tow. Without a cure for Thea's bloodlust. 

That weekend turns into a week that ends with Thea in the hospital. It ends with Laurel screaming at Oliver like she knew she would. Yet as soon as that's over she smiles at him and pretends everything's fine. Everything is not fine. 

It's around then that she breaks down and finally tells Thea every stupid thing Oliver has ever done to her. Thea refuses to talk to Oliver for 4 days and he blames Laurel. Not that she blames him. It is her fault. She should have just kept her mouth shut. 

She finds out Oliver has a kid and almost wants to never speak to him again. Thea apologizes because she knew and Laurel laughs instead. She laughs because she knows that it doesn't matter. She doubts Oliver ever truly loved her in the first place.

It's then that Thea says, "I used to think it would be you and him in the end. I don't think that anymore. You deserve better then him." She doesn't respond at first.

Before saying, "Yeah I do... don't I?" She only half believes it.

 

She dies declaring her love to a man who never deserved it. She dies with his arrow in her side. She dies because of her father. She dies with Thea's name on her lips. For she has broken her promise. She said she would never leave and now she dies.

 

Once upon a time Dinah Laurel Lance died on a bridge on the outskirts of Starling City. 

Once upon a time Thea Dearden Queen (Merlyn if you know who to ask) finds someone to save her.

 

This is how the story goes. There is no Laurel Lance who waits for Oliver Queen to see what he's missing. No, Laurel Lance worked 60 hours a week, and she was the Black Canary. Where would she have had time for that? 

The story goes that Thea Queen is Dinah Laurel Lance's second little sister. That the two of them will do anything for each other. 

 

Once upon a time Dinah Laurel Lance died with an arrow in her side.

Once upon a time Thea Queen moved earth to bring her back. It may have taken her nearly 3 years, but that's alright

 

Once upon a time Dinah Laurel Lance lived.

Once upon a time it was because of Thea Queen.


	2. Oliver Queen

Oliver Queen

The girl Oliver remembers no longer exists. The little girl who once was Dinah Laurel Lance died in dark waters. Drowning because of decisions he made. So the woman he came back too is not the girl he left behind. No the girl he left behind loved him without any doubt. She’s not quite sure if she can love him anymore. Is she’s even capable of love anymore?

She doesn't think he understands this. If he could just look past who she was, and see who she is now. Then maybe things would've been different. Maybe this story would’ve ended happily. Maybe this story could've been a fairy tale.

She is not who he remembers. That should have been the first thing she said to him. She instead tells him that she wishes he had died instead of her sister. She didn’t really mean it. She was just angry. She’s allowed to be angry.

So who was the Dinah Laurel Lance he knew? Who is the girl she used to be?

 

She is 9 when they meet. Her brown hair flutters past her, as she argues with him on the best course of action for a project. She is a wildfire and he is a troublemaker. Those are two very different things. She knows this now. One can be a good thing, she’s just not sure which one. 

Wildfire: Dinah "Call me Laurel" Lance. Burning, beautiful, bleeding, broken, canary, dead.

Troublemaker: Oliver "You can call me Ollie I guess" Queen. Handsome, bleeding, green, archer, alive. 

There doesn’t seem to be a lot of difference. Except that Oliver knew how to live before the island. Laurel didn’t. She is burning herself right down to the ground. 

So yes the girl Oliver remembers is a wildfire. (She burned herself until she was nothing)

 

The wildfire who is 15 and holding a gsa club at lunch hidden between bookshelves pretending to be a book club. Just so people like her will have a place to feel safe. Even as she kisses Oliver Queen, before running off. She's not sure if she wants to be with him. To afraid of what that means. 

The wildfire who is 16 and has turned him down 3 times because "Look Ollie...Yes you are my oldest friend, but that doesn't mean that I have to date you."  
He responds to that with, “But do you?” Of course that answer is yes. She won't tell him that yet. She still so afraid. She thinks she’s almost ready though.

She is 17 and his girlfriend. That's it. Now that they're dating it's like everything she has ever done is gone. She is reduced to the girlfriend of Oliver Queen.  
Her worth is not determined by who she is dating. He has no idea how many times she's said that holding the sink in her bathroom. Her hands shaking. Her eyes are dulling. She is fading.

She's 18. She's busy so often now. Oh why did she chose to double major. She barely has time for Oliver. Which is a major deal. Or according to him it is anyways. She doesn't quite think so. This is important to her future. What she does now determines the rest of her life.

She's 19. She just broke up with Oliver. Which sends the media into a predictable whirlwind. She can't stand it. It's not like people didn't see this coming. He's a mess. She can't be there to fix him constantly. Yes he could be something special. That doesn't mean she should waste her life waiting for something that might not happen.

She's 20 and she's dating Oliver again. Her dull eyes have returned. She's fading and for the first time someone notices.  
Little 10 year old Thea asks, "Why is Laurel so sad?" Then Laurel spent a half hour convincing everyone she was fine. She wasn't fine.

2 years later and he destroys her life. He takes her sister away from her. So by extension he takes her mother and father from her too. She hates him. That wildfire he once claimed to love directs her rage towards him.

Except he's also dead. So she rages at empty graves. Screams "How could you." Her once dull and empty now burn with fire.

That fire gets her through law school. It also ends with her falling into bed with Tommy. More times then she cares to admit. It also brings her to the attention of some very powerful people. Both of those are stories for a later date.

The fire was once an ocean that nearly ended with her death. (It did in any important way) She was drowning while he was learning to survive. 

Then even across the world their eyes matched. Fire burned deep within them. As he learns to fight and try to find his way home. She fights a different sort of battle against herself. One is not valued more then the other. 

He comes back 5 years after he destroyed her. He found fire in her eyes and a bleeding heart that she never could hide. He found someone he couldn't quite recognize. Yet he knew her all the same.

Laurel laughs at his idiocy sometimes. Did he really think grease paint could hide who he was. Especially from her. She laughs when Moira Queen comes to ask her to defend him in court. She doesn't defend guilty people. He might not be guilty.

She says to his face, "I know your not the hood. He's actually trying to make a difference." She's lying. She knows he's trying for once. It's almost odd. She sees the man she once knew the boy she loved could become. She hates herself for that. How dare she see that. Can she not see how much he's suffered? How dare she see that in him. 

She’s convinced he isn’t a vigilante when she visits him at that stupid party and The Hood shows up on the other side of town. No way he pulled that off so soon after getting back. So she lets her sinking suspicion slip away. She spends the rest of that year struggling to manage everything. 

 

Then Tommy… Tommy dies. And Oliver just up and left. (It’s not the first time. It’s not the last) Left her alone. Can he not understand she’s drowning. She needs someone to lean on. Someone who’s not Thea for once. Thea who is in her spare room half of the time. Thea should be with her brother not Laurel who can’t even take care of herself. 

So she drowns and Oliver comes back. She drowns and he watches. He watches.  
She even asks, “What’s so wrong with me that everyone leaves?” How could he just sit back and watch her drown. No wait! 

He doesn’t sit back. He yells and shouts and blames her. He pushes her farther into the dark water and leaves her to swim to shore. She can’t swim to shore. She’s wearing an anchor. She’s not going to survive this. 

She stands on the bridge that she nearly jumped off of all those years ago. She debates jumping. She doesn’t see the point anymore. Why bother fighting. No one wants her around anyways. Sara's alive now, her parents don't need or want her anymore. It’s Thea who finds her there. 

Thea who says, “I thought I find you here. Ollie called ranting about “How insensitive you were being” Or was it about “He’s possibly dating your sister again and you’re rightfully angry at both of them. Come on. Let’s get out of town for a few days.” So Laurel doesn’t jump. 

Oliver never finds out about that. Laurel isn’t about to open up to him anytime soon and Thea won’t betray her trust. Oliver doesn’t find out the full effects of his actions. She won’t let him see that part of her. She doesn’t want his anger. It will be anger not pity. She doesn’t think she can handle anymore fighting. (She was always meant for fighting)

Slade Wilson tells her Oliver Queen is the Arrow.  
It takes all of her effort not to say, “Obviously now I swear if you ever come near Thea Queen again…” She doesn’t though. A little shocked that Slade thought she was worth bothering to try to hurt Oliver. She’s clearly not that important to him. Has Slade missed the last 10 years? She means it sadly. She truly believes Oliver does not care about her. Why would she believe he cared? After everything he has done. Forgive her for being surprised.

 

Over that Summer she voices that to him and he just looks shocked. He doesn’t speak to her for a week because of it. He has habit of doing that it seems. When he comes back, he looks so apologetic and Laurel had to take a step back. She thinks of all the terrible things he has done to her. 

So she says before he can speak, “Don’t apologize if you didn’t realize you hurt me before I told you. Don’t you dare apologize if it changes nothing. If you’re just going to continue to belittle me. Don’t apologize Oliver. I’m not sure I’ll forgive you,” She doesn’t know if she means it. Yes… she does mean it. So he doesn’t say anything. She hates him for that. Why doesn’t he apologize? Was that to much to ask? 

A phone call to Barbara… someone Oliver has never met would end her self hatred for a moment. A text to Thea would send her running straight across the world. Talking with Oliver however is a battlefield sometimes. He screams, and she screams back until one of them budges. Until she caves, or until he gives up. She can’t afford to cave anymore. She isn’t willing to let herself disappear again. She cannot afford to cave again.

He doesn’t know this. How could he? She doesn’t want him to see her. Doesn’t want him to see the mess he left behind. Doesn’t want him to know that it hurts to breathe some days. Doesn’t want to say she can’t leave her room some days. Doesn’t say she can’t take the medication she needs because she’s too afraid of her addiction. She doesn’t dare mention the fact she wants to die. 

Weeks later and she will not mention the nightmares of her sister falling off a roof with 3 arrows in her chest. Doesn’t mention her screams. Her cries. The fact that she can not be left alone for more then 8 hours without breaking down. No he just sees rage, and that’s fair. She is angry. 

He doesn’t trust her. Yet she is expected to trust him? How is that fair. She can be trusted. She’s not going to hurt Thea. She’s not going to hurt him. 

She’s just starting to breathe again without rage on the tip of her tongue. He’s gone and she can breathe again. What does that say about her?

She’s out in the streets. Fighting for her city.  
His words taunt her, “Not a hero,” “Addict” “Selfish” 

Black Canary. 

Bleeding, dying, broken. 

Breathe. Ignore this. Ignore that. When does it stop? 

Kidnapped and dying. Fighting, flirting with Nyssa. Which already feels better then trying to remain friends with Oliver right now. 

 

 

He’s gone again and his little sister is in her spare room. Breathe in, breathe out. So much she’s never told him. Too afraid of how he’d respond. He’s gone and she still can’t sleep without nightmares. She still can’t breathe. It’s not him. It’s not him. He comes back. 

He yells at her for Sara. Doesn’t listen when she tries to explain. She did it for Thea just as much as she did it for Sara. He did the same thing. Why is this any different.  
Hypocrisy at its finest. However...

12 years ago she looked in the mirror and saw she was fading. She looks in his eyes now and sees the same expression. She doesn’t recognize it in his eyes. Doesn’t see the way she used to disappear into the darkness. Doesn’t see the way he never leaves it. They’re talking now. Their friends now. He’s her friend again. She thinks she’s still in love with him.

In love with the way he smiles. Loves the way he has grown. Loves the way he has become a better person then even she thought he could be. She loves his mind. He is so much smarter then he knows. She loves him. He makes her laugh now. He makes her smile. She loves him, but she won’t dare say that. He has Felicity. That’s fine… Felicity’s nice. Sometimes. She tries to ignore the other times. Even if it hurts. 

Then there is William. Oliver’s son. She shakes and only snaps once. Never hurts Samantha. Finding the boy is more important then her anger. Then her drowning. Then the fact she can’t move again. The fact that she sits on the couch as soon as the boy is safe and cries.  
Screams, “Where did I go wrong? Why wasn’t I enough?” Thea holds her that night. She just cries and doesn’t get up the next morning. She faintly hears the Queen siblings yelling.

“They said she wasn’t at work? She called in sick?” Asks Oliver.  
Thea replies, “She won’t want to see you. She was up all night Ollie. She can’t leave her room today. She can’t function today. She can’t see you today.”  
He asks, “Can’t or won’t Thea?” Laurel walks into the room. Stumbles is closer to the truth.  
She whispers, “Both. I can’t see you today because all I want to do is cry. I want to crumble. I just want to ask you why? I can’t be around people today. I’m sorry.”  
Surprisingly he nods and says, “Ok. I’ll leave. Just one thing… you’re right I should’ve told you back then. None of it was ever your fault. It was mine.”

She accepts his answer and for the first time maybe she truly forgives him. It’s a tentative step towards the friendship they once had.

Then his arrow pierced her side. Gift of Damian Darkh’s magic. It’s all she can do to stop herself from screaming. Blood comes out of her mouth. She is choking on her own blood. It’s not his fault. It’s not…

She wakes up from surgery and tries to convey her thoughts into words. She tells everyone she loves them. Only Oliver doesn’t say it back. She understands that. She tells him that she’s happy he found Felicity. That’s not what she meant to say. She remembers the dullness in his eyes… in hers. 

She meant to say, “I’m happy if your happy because I love you Oliver. I love you enough to let you go. Darkh’s going to kill me. Please don’t let me die in vain. I don’t want to die for nothing Oliver.” She dies just moments later. 

 

 

It’s nearly 3 years later when she stand by him again. Breathing, alive. There’s a change. This is the last time they will talk. Not quite the last time they will see each other. That’s another story entirely. 

He goes to apologize… She interrupts.  
Repeating what she had told him all those years ago, “Don’t apologize if you didn’t realise you hurt me before I told you. Don’t you dare apologize if it changes nothing. If you’re just going to continue to belittle me. Don’t apologize Oliver. I’m not sure I’ll forgive you,” 

He continues, “I’m sorry.” 

She asks surprised, “What?”

He repeats himself, “I’m sorry Laurel. I’m so sorry.” 

 

She says, “No… no. You don’t get to do this now. You don’t get to be sorry now. You don’t get to make me debate leaving. You do not get to say you're sorry now. No I was dead Ollie. For over two years. You’re older then me now. Sara is older then me now. I don’t think I’ll ever get used to that. You don’t get to say you’re sorry after everything you have done Ollie. I was dead…” He nods in agreement 

She shakes her head and whispers, “No… No. You still see me as that bleeding woman on that hospital bed. I haven’t been that woman since the Gambit went down. I should’ve told you this. I am not who you remember. I am not the Dinah Laurel Lance you knew. She’s dead. I jumped off a bridge and your Stepfather caught me. I’ve put a gun to my head and my hands shook, but I never pulled the trigger. The girl you knew I killed her. I murdered her Ollie. Laurel Lance is dead. Don’t forget that.” Ever goes unsaid. 

Oliver looks shocked. Thea doesn’t. Neither one of those reactions surprise her. She’s sorry. She didn’t mean too. No… it’s better this way. 

She says quietly, “Thea I think I want to go home now. I’m sorry.” It’s the last thing she ever says to Oliver Queen. She regrets that sometimes. However she doesn’t think that anymore words could be said. He needed to know. 

The last thing Oliver said to her was, “I already knew Laurel. I already knew.”

This isn’t a fairy tale. Laurel Lance and Oliver Queen do not marry in this story. There is no happy ending. 

The story went that Oliver left and Laurel stayed behind. 

The story ends with Laurel leaving and Oliver staying in Star City. 

The story ends and the two of them live on. Without each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own anything


	3. Barbara Gordon

This story starts before she graduates law school. It starts at a protest. Then again what about her life isn’t a protest. The protest itself doesn’t matter. Laurel’s been to plenty of them. A red haired woman is screaming into a microphone. 

Laurel doesn’t quite know what she’s doing here. It’s too much too soon. She really should know better. Too many people keep asking her what she’s doing here. She’s still so tied to everything that’s happened. The gambit. Oliver. Sara… This is not the place to dwell on the past.

The red-haired woman from earlier comes up behind her and says, “You’re Dinah Lance right?”   
Laurel laughs softly, “I’m her daughter.” She’s known for plenty things. None of them she managed to do herself. Dinah Lance’s daughter. Officer Lance’s kid. Oliver Queen's girlfriend. Sara Lance’s sister. Never for herself though.   
The woman says, “Right… Sorry, so you’re Dinah Laurel Lance, right? Law student? Yes? Okay great. My name’s Barbara. Barbara Gordon. I’m a huge fan of your work. Your essay’s on the politics behind psychology are astonishing. I was wondering if we could actually have a dinner and talk about it? I have a lot of questions.” Laurel is much too shocked to say anything at first. Trying to comprehend how anyone could ever think something she has done is astonishing. 

Laurel says, “I’m not much for dinner’s, Barbara and my essay’s are nothing special. They weren’t even the best in my class.” Reasoning with herself not really telling Barbara anything.   
Barbara asks, “Who cares if it wasn’t the best in one person's eyes? Who cares? I don’t. Look, Dinah… just because it wasn’t the best that doesn’t change the fact that it is amazing. Seriously. As someone majoring in library science I can say that.”  
Laurel laughs, “Is that even a real science?” This is the most she’s laughed sense the Gambit. Later on, she’ll finally realize how much of her life is the most sense something terrible happened. That’s not now though. It won’t be for at least 6 years from this point. 

Barbara says, “Of course it’s a real science, Dinah.” Barbara pouts half-heartedly and for just a second Laurel doesn’t feel the compulsive desire to correct the name. For once she’s not desperate to claim the one thing that she chooses for herself.   
She corrects it anyways, “It’s Laurel actually.” Barbara’s face falls for just a moment before she smiles again.   
She says, “Laurel it is then. I’ll see you tomorrow at Big Belly Burger at 1.” Before scampering off. Laurel laughs and doesn’t think the girl will be there. She is right on time and Laurel falters for one second. Falters because she doesn’t know what to do with someone who actually cares enough to show up on time. The only other person who does that is Thea. Tommy should, but he gets distracted. He forgets. It’s not his fault. She’s not really worth remembering. 

That lunch seals a friendship that Laurel will never feel like she deserves. She spends hours chatting on the phone or skyping. They’ve never lived in the same State. Laurel stands by Barbara when the other woman runs for U.S Congress of all things. It’s weird having a friend that never hurts her. It’s weird because the three people at her law school graduation are Thea, Tommy, and Barbara. Neither one of her parents bothered to come. 

Of course, Laurel messes it up. It’s Sara’s birthday. Christmas. It’s been 3 years since the gambit. 2 sense she met Barbara. She doesn’t know where her father is. Probably at a bar. Her mother… well her mother hasn’t called in 3 years. Thea is with the Queen’s. That’s good. One of them should be with their family. Barbara… Barbara is with her father. Or she should be. Barbara should be with her father. Laurel doesn’t laugh at the irony. Doesn’t laugh as she listens to the voicemails her father left her. Tears streaming down her face. Why can’t he understand she misses her sister too. She misses Sara too. Please… she just needs his voice to stop cutting into her. Destroying her. She can’t breathe now. She just wants the pain to end. She can't hear anything, but her father belittling her over and over again. She doesn't hear the knocking at the door as she goes to the cabinet she keeps her guns in. It's better this way. Sorry, Thea she's about to break her promise. She'd call, but it's not like they've talked recently. 

No Thea has no reason to talk to her brother's ex-girlfriend. So she doesn't. It Laurel’s fault she should've tried harder. Tried to be better. She hastily scribbles a note.

 

To whoever still cares

Here’s to you. You stuck out my mess for as long as I could hold on. You stayed by my side for as long as you could. For as long as I could stand to be on this earth. I’m sorry that wasn’t longer. I’m sure you loved me. I’m sure if I had of just told you things could’ve been different, but it’s not. And I didn’t tell you. I didn’t tell you and I’m sure you’ll be burying me shortly. Sorry I’ve never been good at goodbyes. I need to write this though. I need the people who have never hurt me to know how thankful I am for them. 

To Thea Queen. My second little sister. My guardian angel. This isn’t your fault. This will never be your fault. Do not put my death on your shoulders. My death belongs in the closet where you know I have stayed. Where I drowned. Where I died. This isn’t on you. I was broken before I met you. Before you were born. If I had of known that then I never would’ve let you in. Never would’ve let you care. Would’ve pushed you as far away from me as I could. Instead, I took one look at you and went “I have to protect you. Your brother isn’t strong enough to protect you.” He isn’t there to protect you anymore, and now I’ve failed at that too. I’m sorry. I’ll tell him how much you love him after I’m done yelling at him and Sara. I’m sorry you’re going to my funeral. I’m sorry I won’t see your prom dress. Tease you about your first date. I’m sorry I won’t see your future. However, Thea Queen know that no matter what you do I am proud of you. I’m so proud of you Thea. 

To Tommy Merlyn. My best friend, my lover occasionally. What did you think I was going to leave that out of this. Like we leave it out of everything else. My best friend. For a little bit there you were my only friend. My only support. The only person in my entire life I could count on. I can count you. Or could… I’ll be dead before you read this. So I’m sorry I offed myself. Sorry then now our original trio is just you now. I’m sorry with Thea I knew what I want to say and with you, I didn’t… don’t. I can’t think of anything I can say to you that would be enough. Tommy thank you. For being there for me. Thank you for everything. I can never say that enough. I’m sorry I’ve left you on your own. Please take your time to join me death alright? I don’t think Thea can take another heartbreak, also you have so much left that you could do. I know you don’t know that yet, but it’s true. Just stay alive, please. You don’t ever have to forgive me for this. You don’t have to go to my funeral just stay alive. 

To Barbara Gordon. My newest friend, maybe almost my closest. You’ve never been apart of before the gambit. You didn’t know that girl. I’m glad, you wouldn’t like that girl. Not even if you liked her essay’s. I should’ve told you to never meet your heroes. That I shouldn’t be your hero. I should’ve also said that I wasn’t going to live past 30. I didn’t I was so shocked. With you. Brilliant, beautiful, alive, loving, sweet, everything I’m not. I’m sorry. I should’ve pushed you away the day we met. Instead, I let you worm your way into my life. I didn’t mean to let you do that. I knew who I was when I met you. I knew what I would do. What I’ve done… Go save the world. I know you will. I’ll be there in your heart. I’ll be proud. I’m already proud. 

To my parents. I really don’t know what to say to either of you. I’m sorry. I know I’ll never be enough. I’m not Sara after all, and I know on today of all days. How dare I? I’m sorry. I know how much you’ve done for me. I know that all I’ve done is be a waste of your money, time, resources. Sara was always the perfect. I could never be anywhere perfect in either of your eyes. “Your living daughter” Oh the irony now dad. Sorry about that. Not that it was true, to begin with. I died when the gambit went, at least now the world can see that. Mom where the hell are you? Where have you been? Certainly not caring about me I’d imagine. Look I love you both, I’m sorry for another scandal. However, relax at least I’m not around to bother you anymore. 

I'm so sorry

All my love 

Dinah Laurel Lance

 

At last, she hears the knocking at the door. She stares at the paper in front of her. Stares at her gun. She hides them both the best she can. She goes to the door ready to pretend everything is fine. She sees Barbara standing there and it’s all she can do to stop herself from breaking down. 

Instead, she asks, “What… what are you doing here?”   
Barbara smiles and says, “Dad had to work, so I figured I’d come surprise you. Is it a bad time because I can leave?” Laurel is shaking her head before she can stop herself.   
She whispers, almost pleas, “No it’s fine… my dad… he’s… he’s… he’s at work too. You can stay.” Please stay.   
Barbara says shocked, “You're alone? On today of all days? Call Tommy he’s probably alone too. Honestly, you too need to work out your issues or I don’t know actually talk to each other. You two clearly like each other. I really don’t see what the big deal is.”  
Laurel responds, “He’s Tommy, and I’m his dead best friend’s ex-girlfriend.” Barbara just sighs and glares playfully at her.   
Laurel gives up and says, “Fine I’ll call Tommy.”

Looking back on that night. It’s one of her favourites. Just Barbara, Tommy, and her. Talking and teasing each other while watching terrible Christmas movies. It’s the safest she had felt in a long time. She curls up on her couch and falls asleep on Tommy. Of course, she doesn’t know this at the time, but Barbara finds and reads the note. Barbara and Tommy have a lengthy discussion about it. An agreement is made that Laurel is blissfully unaware of. But for a moment she is happy. Just for one night

2 months later she gets a phone call that will change her life. Barbara was shot. Barbara was shot. Laurel was the last person told. She doesn’t know what to think about that. (Years later and Barbara is almost the last one to find out she died. She would’ve been if not for the fact that Sara was time traveling). She’s on a plane 2 days later. Everything's a blur.   
The first thing she ever says to Jim Gordon is, “Respectfully Sir, I can’t focus on what you're saying. Just let me see her. I need to make sure she’s alright. I can’t lose anyone else. I can’t lose her.” Barbara laughs and cries from the open doorway when she hears that. 

She doesn’t leave Gotham for nearly 5 months because of that fact Barbara is in the hospital. The CNRI in Gotham is more than willing to let her work there. She doesn’t mind it in Gotham. It’s a lot at times. So different from what she knows. What she’s used too. She likes being around Barbara constantly. It’s so different from her other friendships. Maybe because Barbara doesn’t find it odd if Laurel doesn’t talk and just sits there remembering things that sometimes never happened. (Time travel is a tricky business Sara)

Oliver won’t do that. It’s a year and a half later and He’s back. Laurel calls Barbara crying. Barbara who doesn’t visit anymore because she is in a wheelchair so it’s Laurel who goes to Gotham every two months. Even if no one except Tommy knows where she goes on those days. She doesn’t know why she doesn’t tell Oliver about Barbara. Doesn’t tell anyone. She wants to keep the before the gambit separate from the after. Funny she never kept so much from Oliver before everything. 

It’s Barbara she runs to when Tommy dies. Oliver goes to his island. Laurel runs from hers. Laurel who collapses in Barbara’s arms. Laurel who cries because she wasn’t lying when she said she couldn’t lose anyone else all those years ago. It’s Barbara who listens to her rage about Oliver’s letter. It’s Barbara who grabs a lighter and burns it. It’s Barbara who just lets her feel everything she’s been refusing to feel for so long. Hate, rage, grief, pain. 

It’s Barbara she calls when she sees Oliver again. It’s Barbara she calls when everything goes to hell around her. It’s Barbara she calls on that bridge. (It’s Thea who found her, but she tried this time to survive.) It’s Barbara who she calls for everything that year. It’s Barbara she leans on. Trust her with everything. It’s Barbara who is her closest friend, not Ollie. Never Ollie not after Sara again. And Sara… Sara is alive. Sara is alive and she just stayed away for 6 years. She didn’t care enough to come back. How could she? Laurel needs her sister. Barbara reminds her that she doesn’t need to forgive anyone of them. Not Sara, Not her mom, Not her dad, and most definitely not Oliver.

She cries on the phone, “I’m alone Babs. They left me alone. They don’t need me. She’s back. She’s back and I’m not needed or wanted anymore. They hate me because I’m mad at her. They hate me. I’m alone. I’m drowning. Why can’t I stop drowning? I know you read that note. I know you know what I’ve tried to do. I’m afraid of what I might do. I’m sorry Barbara. I love you. I’m sorry about that. Everyone I love gets hurt. I can’t fix it. I swear I tried. I swear I fought with everything I have. I just lost anyways.” She hangs up after that. She doesn’t want to say anymore. 3 weeks later she apologizes, but the damage is done. 

Neither of them knows this at the time. 3 little words and Laurel lost her closest friend. They tried to just be friends and Laurel… well, Laurel’s always been good at holding her emotion close to her heart. Hiding her heart away is the easiest way to stop it from ever breaking again. 3 words and Laurel loses her escape. Stranding her on an island she can never leave. She isn’t Oliver. She can’t run from her mistakes and never truly be blamed for them. She stands her ground and faces them. She isn’t Barbara either. She’s never had the love that Barbara received from her family, from her friends. She has no reason to become a hero. 3 words and phone calls and skyping happen less and less often now. 3 words and Laurel is left alone. She thought she had ruined it. She hadn’t ruined it. But thinking she had ruined caused her to push Barbara away. Except this time Barbara let her do exactly that. Tommy was gone and Barbara broke a promise the two had made. Laurel doesn’t know this. There’s a lot Laurel doesn’t know, like how to be a hero.

It's been 6 months since they last spoke and the first thing Barbara says to her is, “Why are you such a hero? I mean if I was in your shoes I’d be a villain. After everything that you have gone through. How do you forgive them? Dinah Laurel Lance always trying to save the world even if she tears herself down to do it.”   
Laurel stands there in shock because here was Barbara rolling up to her table at the cafe like no time has passed.   
Barbara continues, “It’s been what 9 months since you stopped drinking. You haven’t relapsed once. I’m proud of you. I hope you know that.”   
Laurel looks at her with war-torn eyes and says sadly, “If you’re going to extend an Olive Branch do it. Because I can’t anymore. Sara’s dead… for real this time. She’s not coming back. If you’re going to extend an Olive Branch send me to the people who trained you Batgirl. Don’t look shocked I know you. I know you better than I know myself. Teach me how to do what you did… do. Teach me how to be a hero.” 

Barbara smiles, “I can’t teach you to be something you already are. I’ll send you a list I promise. I have a gift for you. You’ll know what they are for when you're ready. Just wear them when you go on the field. Promise me that. Laurel, I know that I couldn’t handle what you said to me that night, that’s on me, not you. I messed up not you. But Dinah Laurel Lance you can save the world so go… go save it.” 

6 months later she opens the box Barbara gave her. Nothing more than boxing and a crash course from the heir to the demon.  
Inside is a pair of earrings and a note saying, “I’ll be your eyes and ears. We both know they won’t help you. So I will. Call me Oracle.” She puts them on.  
She hears a voice in her ear, “It’s about time Dinah Laurel Lance or should I call The Black Canary?”  
Laurel responds, “Let’s go save the world Oracle.” 

And just like that everything is alright between them. Suddenly their friendship has a purpose. It never needed one before. It’s Barbara in her ear teasing her about Nyssa. It’s Barbara who guides her through the next 3 months. So much has happened. Team Arrow has lost so much. She’s lost so much. Thea is living in her apartment now. It’s weird having a roommate. It’s weird having someone else to confide in. She got so used to just having 1 friend. So use to Barbara and no one else caring. It’s weird until Thea mentions the bridge and how scared she was that Laurel was going to jump. It’s weird until Laurel stops letting it be. Until she learns to filter the conversations with Barbara (She hardly ever takes the earring’s off) to fit with her conversations with Thea. Until her head can handle 2 different conversations. That is when things start to make sense. 

And when she finally knows that she wants to live she laughs. She laughs and tells Thea everything. Tells Thea about Barbara. About everything in Laurel’s life. 1 year ago just doing would’ve been her breaking point. A year ago just letting someone see everything that people have done to her would’ve been her breaking point. Now she welcomes it. Welcomes the relief it brings her. She tries to forget how cruel life is. How it doesn’t stop talking, she just wants to be happy for one moment.

Life is cruel. She knows this. She lives like this is the only true thing in this world. She holds it close to her heart. Yet she still forgets as she’s trying desperately to stand tall. Tries not to break over the fact that Damien Darhk is going to kill her.  
When Barbara finds out, she says, “Run away Laurel. This doesn’t have to be your fight. You don’t have to stay. Come home, Laurel. We could save the world. Please just run away with me.”   
To which Laurel replies, “I’m not running away. This is my fight. I have to stay.”  
Barbara shouts, “For once in your life stop trying to get yourself killed.” Laurel doesn’t respond to that.

She doesn’t respond to a lot of things this year she will come to learn. She pushes everyone away that she can without anyone noticing. She’s breaking down again and this time no one has to know. No one can know. She will die and she will sure that only a handful of people mourn her. She’s good at that Barbara notes one day. Good at disappearing. Good at locking herself away. So she does.

She’s tried for so long to not think about her dying. So she when Sara is considering leaving to go save time itself. Laurel encourages her to go. Run off, Sara. Don’t stay here Sara. Leave her again. Doesn’t say that Laurel won’t be there when Sara comes back. She’s 30 now. She’s 30 and she wrote herself a prophecy years ago. She will die before she turns 31. So Sara needs to leave so she doesn’t watch her big sister die.   
Barbara comments on that, “Stop being so self-sacrificing. Please, Laurel, you need to leave that city. Go with her.” 

In the cruelest possibility, she had imagined her death it was nothing like what happened. 

In reality, she died when she wanted to live the most. Life is cruel.   
In between the doctor getting her friends she cries, “I don’t want to die. I think I’m dying. He stabbed me. I don’t want to die.”  
Barbara responds, “I know. I know just stay alive Laur please.”   
Laurel coughs, “I take it back. I want to run away with you. Let me run away with you. I want to live.”  
Barbara says, “Yeah, of course, we can run away.”  
Laurel whispers, “Good let's go somewhere safe. Oh everyone’s coming in. Babs, when I die make sure you get what I left you. Everyone needs to get what I left them.” 

She dies at 11:59 pm. 4 nearly 3 days before her 31st birthday. Barbara hates that. Hates that Laurel wrote herself so many self-fulfilling prophecies. Barbara doesn’t go to the main funeral. No one knew to invite her to it, to begin with. Well, that’s what Barbara and Quentin Lance would both like to pretend. No one needs to know otherwise. She does get a call from Thea Queen.   
Thea says, “This is Barbara right? So...um… Laurel’s dead. But you probably already knew that. I’m… I’m holding the second funeral about 4 hours after the first. So if you can come that would great. I know she loved you.” 

3 little words and Barbara knows what she needs to do. 3 words and Barbara spends nearly 3 years with Thea to accomplish the impossible. 3 words.

 

Laurel wakes and she doesn’t. See Laurel Lance was cursed from the moment she was born. She always had one foot in the realm of the dead. Laurel wakes and she doesn’t. Laurel when she is ripped from the realm she once longed to be a part of is completely removed from it. Laurel wakes and she loses a part of her. Laurel wakes and sees Barbara and Thea. She thinks she’ll forgive them for that.

She whispers, “You brought me back?” Wonder in her eyes. She’ll never be used to people caring about her.   
Barbara laughs, “Of course we did. Come home with me. Laurel, I love you.” Laurel laughs. So she follows Barbara back to Gotham. She stays. She doesn’t run. She fights crime with Barbara in her ear. 

 

And maybe… just maybe one day the two of them will save the world.


	4. Sara Lance

Laurel Lance loves her sister. She wonders sometimes if her sister loves her back. If her sister loved her then why did the Gambit happen? Why did Sara betray her? She looks back on her life and wonders if Sara loved her or was Sara just like her parents? Like Oliver? Because that may have been a form of love, but it’s not one that her new friends recognise. She tries so hard not to think about that. Don’t ask questions and she won’t get hurt. 

Taking a look back into her childhood. Where events blur together and her memory sometimes shifts. A sister who will later become a time traveller can cause that. Will cause that. Has caused that. Time travel is a tricky thing.

“Everything that will happen, has happened, but only if certain events happen in this exact order.” 

There are very few points in time that can’t be changed. Aren’t ever to be touched. Her death was one... will be one. She isn’t even dead anymore. Even if Rip Hunter changed the true ending by removing Sara from the present… past? Future? Rip Hunter saved both Sara and her father. Much to Laurel’s appreciation. She didn’t go through so much to bring her sister back, just for her to go and die. It’s just Laurel didn’t want to die. She was so sure she wanted to die. She wanted to die until she lay there dying. Knowing everything she still had left to do.

What did she still have left to do? She saved Sara. Brought her back from the dead. That wasn’t a mistake. No matter what anyone thinks. The only person who’s opinion matters here is Sara’s. Besides Sara would do the same for her. Wouldn’t she? 

Sara who has always been envious of Laurel. Sara who broke her sister in two because of Oliver… Oliver isn’t her family. His sister is. He is not. Oliver, she can forgive because at least he apologised. She thinks Sara tried and that has to count for something. Isn’t that supposed to count? Sara tried and Laurel threw a glass at her sister's head. So clearly that means she was in the wrong.

Laurel reflects on both the lives she’s lived and the ones she hasn’t. The ones where Sara’s time travelling interferes with Laurel’s present. Sara was always the special one. The one Laurel had to protect no matter what.

Laurel loves her sister even when her sister isn’t going to do the same. No. That’s not true. Sara just loves her in different ways. Laurel does not get to redeem Oliver, and not redeem Sara. Just like you do not redeem Oliver, just to condemn Laurel. 

Sara, Thea. Her sisters. No one except the three of them understands how she loves them both. That they can both be hers to protect. That Ollie’s little sister is her little sister, but never Sara's little sister. Sara didn’t take Thea under her wing. Laurel did. Sara took a young woman named Sin. Sin who is Sara’s little sister, but never Laurel’s. So Sara understands. Sara understands how Laurel would die in a heartbeat if it meant she would live. If Thea would outlive them all that would be everything. However, Sara also understands that Laurel was willing to live for them. Perhaps even before she did.

Sara who understands that when she goes to see Laurel. On a mission. She was supposed to stay far away from her family, but Laurel is dead. Laurel is gone, but she’s still alive at this point in time. Laurel would’ve done the same. But Sara should’ve listened. Sara should’ve stayed away. This Laurel hasn’t forgiven Sara yet. This Laurel is still drinking, drowning, dying. 

 

Laurel is standing on a roof. It’s a bad habit. She’s not going to jump, she just likes to be reminded of her mortality. Her mortality, she wonders later if she had of jumped whether would she have died or not. Her death date had been set in stone, so if she had of jumped what would have happened? That’s not now though. Now when she hears Sara’s gasp behind her she freezes. Doesn’t know how to explain the mess she is.   
Sara says shocked, “You’re not my Laurel.” Laurel laughs. It’s colder than she intended. This Sara is older than her sister. This Sara never learned how cold her sister could be. Laurel laughs and it's a cruel laugh. The kind she never would’ve given Sara before the gambit.  
Laurel turns around and says, “That girl never even existed.”

It’s a fair answer. An older sister is never who the younger one thinks. It’s a safe answer. Well no that’s not true. It’s not the answer that would make Sara feel safe but it’s the one that doesn’t make Laurel want to scream.

 

It starts when Laurel is 17. At that stupid party that Sara even years later will still hate her for. Laurel stands there with a gun in her hand. Pointing it at a man she will years later recognise as she lies dying. Sara was never important to the timeline until she stepped on the Waverider. Kill her before that and the legends fail. Laurel puts a gun against the back of Damian Darkh's head and he nearly kills her then. 

Except Laurel wrote her death into a prophecy or she will always. The thing about prophecies is that they will happen. Maybe not the way you think, but they have to happen. Laurel writes that she won’t live to see 31 in one letter. She wrote she won’t live past 30 in another one. She writes herself into the very essence of the timeline. Magic, Laurel has always been tied to magic and heroes. She won’t die until the right day comes.

And that day. That day she writes that Damien Darkh will kill her. Her journals are precious things. Magic tools. She doesn’t know this yet. Handed to her by a more than helpful sales person, magician. 

That day Damian Darkh almost kills her and Laurel learns how dangerous her scream is. She cries and he goes flying. She cries and she learns what a metahuman is over a decade too early for anyone's liking. 

See metahumans were never just because of the particle accelerator. It’s a gene. Laurel’s always had it. She’ll never tell anyone that. Though Team Arrow will find out thanks to Black Siren. That’s much later.  
It’s a gene that’s dormant until its carrier needs it the most. Laurel needs it now.

Needed it then, needed it now. The funny thing about time travel is that the present is subjective. Wherever you are is technically the present. 

Laurel only remembers bits and pieces of that night. Having a concussion will do that. She remembers calling the cops. Just saying that the party had gotten out of hand. Which wasn’t technically a lie. Laurel was bleeding, and her eyes weren’t focusing. She tried to come up with a reasonable excuse. Surprise there wasn’t one. There wasn’t an explanation that wouldn’t make her seem insane. So Sara… why was Sara even there? Laurel didn’t even know she was there. Sara hates her now. Is it really because Laurel is with Ollie now? Laurel’s had a crush on him for like a year now. He’s been asking her out for longer. Not that it should even matter. Laurel almost died and Sara’s upset over a guy? Seriously? Sometimes Laurel really doesn’t understand her sister.

So when she tells Sara years later that the girl she knew never existed. It felt truer than anything had felt in the past 8 years. She’s very different from who she was before the Gambit went down.

Dinah Laurel Lance. Age 22. 

She’s laughing, smiling. She has everything. The perfect family. A slightly less the perfect boyfriend, but that’s alright he’s learning. She has everything.

It’s all a lie. She knows this now. She knew it at 17, hell she probably knew it at 6. 

Dinah Laurel Lance has nothing. 

Not literally of course. 

However, she has nothing in every way that matters.

She doesn’t know this now. She won’t even know this when her sister betrays her. Won’t know it when she holds Sara’s bleeding body. She may never know this until she looks back at her life.

She’s never had anything. 

And this is how Sara learns this 

 

Laurel brings her sister back from the dead, and in the few fleeting moments before Sara leaves they talk. Actually, talk in the way Sara can’t remember the last time they did. They talk and all of Laurel comes tumbling out.

She asks, “Do you even know what everyone here has done to me?”  
Sara responds, “No, what did they do? Who should I kill?” Laurel laughs, she wouldn’t have when Sara first came back. That surprises Sara. She’d forgotten how hard her sister could laugh. 

Laurel laughs as she says, “You wouldn’t hurt anyone on the list of people. Trust me.”  
Sara asks tentatively, “Am I on your list?”

Laurel smiles sadly and whispers, “Yes… but so is Ollie, and Roy and John. Sometimes Felicity, but that’s mostly because the things she says hurt sometimes. More times then I think I’m willing to admit. Dad’s on it too and mom. For various reasons. A lot of people have hurt me, Sara. You and Ollie aren’t special in that regard anymore.”

It’s very bitter and more honest then Sara thinks Laurel’s been in a long time.   
Sara says, “Go on, you have more to say don’t you?” 

Laurel nods and says, “Yeah, I do, but not now. Not when you just came back. I just got you back. Let me tell you about anything except people who hurt me. Let me tell you about Thea. She’s grown so much. Let’s talk about Nyssa because I understand what you saw in her. Just I’d rather talk about the good.”

Sara asks, “There was good?”   
Laurel nods and exclaims, “Look around Sara. Look what I have done. Look what I can still do. Look what I’ve accomplished. I even made a couple friends. Ted and Nyssa. Thea’s living with me. I made peace with both mom and dad…”

Sara interrupts, “What do you mean made peace with… What did Dad do?”  
Laurel gets defensive when she says, “Nothing… it doesn’t matter Sara.” Laurel shouldn’t have even mentioned them. Look now she’s gotten Sara upset. Laurel gets defensive and Sara relearns her sister.

Relearns the way Laurel will defend herself and everyone else, but only if she thinks she can win. If she can’t she doesn’t bother. That’s not the Laurel Sara remembers.

The Laurel, Sara remembers would never hesitate to argue something. It’s always been her favourite activity. 

Sara whispers, “I don’t recognise you.” She says it expecting Laurel to falter and question.   
Laurel just responds with, “I don’t recognise me either Sar-bear. I’m sorry.” 

Sara asks, “What are you sorry for?”   
Laurel says simply, “You’ll see…” 

Sara doesn’t know what this means then. She knows now. 

 

Another time Sara visits her sister before she dies. Her sister is in a cafe. Sitting across from her is a red haired woman Sara’s never met. Their laughing, Laurel’s smiling. 

Sara walks in and Laurel brightens. The other woman notices and turns around. 

Laurel jumps up and calls out, “Hey Sara, I didn’t expect to see you back so soon.”   
The red haired woman smiles as she says, “So this is Sara? Your little sister Sara?”  
Laurel nods and whispers, “Don’t say anything. She’s an assassin. She’ll kill you.” The red-haired woman’s face hardens. 

Sara forces herself to brighten as she says, “Laurel… it’s been awhile.”   
The red haired woman says coldly, “You’ve been gone for 2 weeks. I have to admit this is the shortest amount of time it took you to come back.”   
Laurel exclaims, “Barbara please… please for me?”

Sara smiles and says happily, “Nice to meet you, Barbara. Are you and my sister…”   
Laurel denies it instantly, “Oh no… no… We’re just friends. Definitely friends.” Sara raises her eyebrows and Barbara smiles slightly. 

Then Barbara says, “Maybe you could help me, Sara.”  
Laurel pleads, “Barbara no… Sara’s really busy. I’m sure she can’t stay long. Let’s catch up with her instead.” What could be so bad that Laurel didn’t want Sara involved?  
Sara asks, “What do you need Barbara?” Barbara grins and Laurel groans.

Barbara says, “Damian Darkh is going to kill your sister.”   
Laurel continues before Sara has a chance to react, “Well we don’t know that for sure.”  
Barbara says, “He won’t if you leave.”  
Laurel exclaims, “A life for a life. It doesn’t matter if I leave or not. If he’s going to kill he’s going to kill me.”

 

It isn’t until after Laurel’s death that Sara understands that comment. A life for a life. Sara’s life for Laurel’s. Bloodlust can be cured 1 of 2 ways. 

 

You kill the person who killed you  
The person who put you in the pit dies. 

 

Laurel chose the second option. Refusing to let Thea die is the most Laurel thing of all. How she even found out about the second option Sara doesn’t know. No one knows.

Well, that might not be true. There’s a good chance that Laurel’s not girlfriend knew. Sara hates Barbara on that ground alone. Not just because her older sister clearly has a crush on her. Even if Barbara clearly was someone who made her sister smile. Laurel didn’t have enough of that.

 

One of the most painful things Sara went through was not being included in bringing her sister back from the dead. Thea does. Laurel’s adopted sister is there, but her blood sister isn’t. Barbara is there as well. So her sisters, not-girlfriend. But not Sara. Sara isn’t told. 

Laurel finds her. Laurel tells her first. That makes up for some of it. Laurel also says that she won’t be in Starling… no Star City anymore. That she can’t be there anymore. Laurel says that she loves her. Laurel says she’s sorry and Sara breaks. 

Sara collapses because she realises that she never apologised. She never even told Laurel how much she loved her. Laurel’s apologised for every single thing she’s ever done. The only time Sara did was when Laurel was too upset to hear it. 

Sara says sobbing, “I’m so sorry… I’m so sorry Laurel. I love you. I love you more than anything.”  
Laurel responds, “I know… I’ve always known Sara. I love you too. I forgive you. I forgive you.” 

It’s all Sara needed. It’s all Laurel needed too. Forgiveness. Love. 

 

They may fight again when Sara isn’t the maid of honour at Laurel’s wedding, but that’s a different story.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't own anything.


	5. Nyssa al Ghul

First things first, Nyssa (besides Thea and Barbara) was Laurel’s closest friend at one point. Nyssa also poisoned and nearly killed Laurel. Conclusion: Laurel needs better friends. This is a legitimate thing that everyone brings up at one point or another. Including Laurel, who will at any point in time where something mildly inconvenient happens bring it up.

She will just say, “See, this is why I need better friends.” She said it to her dad once. He just sighed, disappointed as usual. Thea laughed. Laurel makes absolutely no effort to make new friends. No one is sure if it’s to spite them or not. 

 

At a different point in time, Diggle and Felicity brought it up around Nyssa.  
To which Laurel responds, “You realize that I’ve been saying that for the past 2 years right? And I did. She just happens to be slightly murderous. But you’re all friends with Ollie so I don’t think you can talk.” 

Nyssa responds to that with, “Compare me to Queen again and I will end you.”  
Laurel agrees, “Oh please do, Let’s go get milkshakes.”

 

Team Arrow, if you can even call them a team without Ollie, leaves her alone mostly after that. Except to make passing concerns for her mental health. Those stop after 3 days. Nyssa gets adorably angry over that. 

“How dare they not care about you. They call themself your friends…”  
Laurel interrupts, “No… no they don’t Nyssa. Not really.”

Laurel punches the wall then and lets Nyssa see her for the first time. No walls, no fake pleasantries. Just Laurel, in all her pain and anger. That is when Nyssa realizes that this is not a game for Laurel. Nyssa sees herself reflected back at her. Not even Sara looked like that.

Nyssa asks, “How long have you been training?”  
Laurel replies, “About 4 months probably less.”  
Nyssa exclaims, “What? No. That’s not how this works. You either tell me the truth or we’re done here.”  
Laurel says, “Nyssa I really haven’t been training that long.” 

Which is neither a lie or a truth. She’s honestly not sure whether or not those self defense lessons count. 

Nyssa continues, “How could you be such a natural at this?”  
Laurel asks, “Wasn’t Sara?”  
Nyssa says, “You’re not Sara.” No she’s not. This would be so much easier if she was. If Laurel was Sara then no one would doubt her. Then she could stand on her own. She could stand and not be looked down on. 

Nyssa says, “That’s a good thing Laurel, or it could be. Sara fought to survive. You don’t. There’s a difference.” 

Fighting to survive means you believe you are going to live. Laurel doesn’t fight to survive she just fights. Lashing out blindly in hopes of grabbing onto something before she drowns. She lashes out and for the first time someone notices what she’s doing. It’s not Thea, who notices everything and nothing. It’s not Barbara, who is still tripping over apologies Laurel never needed. 

No, it’s Nyssa. Who is just as out of placed in this world as Laurel is. 

Laurel asks, “If you know that I don’t want to survive… why bother training me?”  
Nyssa responds, “It gives us both something to do.” Laurel just glares at Nyssa in response. Obviously it gives them something to do. However there is no real benefit to it. If it doesn’t benefit Nyssa, why would Nyssa help her?

She voices this to Thea one night and Thea hit her with a pillow. Then talked about how the answer should be obvious. It’s not. Not to her anyways. Not to Laurel who is still recovering from a lifetime of being left behind. Forgotten until suddenly she is useful. The answer to her question is not simple if she’s barely ever experienced this before.

She realizes it between laughing over milkshakes. Oh, this is what friendship is supposed to be. So when she tells Nyssa that it’s “Nice to see you as normal person.” She means it as look she can have normal friends. She can do normal things. She can be normal.

However she ruins it. Of course she does. What in her life hasn’t she ruined? She tells Nyssa about Oliver and sees cracks form in her new found friendship. This isn’t where it shatters no. Not while Laurel still stands in front of Nyssa. Argues with John even when Nyssa tries to stop her. She pushes out Team Arrow in favour of the one person in the room who actually helped her. 

 

  
It doesn’t shatter after everything is over and Oliver leaves. Laurel spends 3 hours trying to convince Nyssa to stay. 

Nyssa just says, “I have to go. Look what my husband has caused. I have to fix this.”  
Laurel responds, “I’d say let me come with you. I’d love to rip Merlyn apart…”  
Nyssa replies sadly, “Your city needs you. I have trained you well Laurel.” Laurel nods in agreement because that is exactly what she meant.

Nyssa finishes the conversation with, “Dinah Laurel Lance, I’ll save my people, and you’ll save the world.” 

It’s a startling difference from everyone else who has said that. Everyone else included try in that phrase. Nyssa didn’t. Nyssa said it like a fact. 

 

Now here comes the part where Laurel screws everything up. Yes this is what that is. She brings Sara back from the dead and leaves Nyssa to rot. She hates herself for that. 

She whispers, “My city still needs me Nyssa, your people still need you.”

 

Like that makes it any better. That choosing saving her sister over protecting her… her something. That doesn’t make it right. Laurel will never be able to fully look Nyssa in the eye again. Not that Laurel has much of a choice. Nyssa is back and the league of assassins are at war. Thea’s life is at stake.

How dare Nyssa not give Thea the cure? Nyssa knows how much Thea means to Laurel. So it’s then that all past mistakes are off. You threaten Laurel’s family and she will come after you with everything she has. 

Yet when the time comes to deliver the bloodlust cure to Thea, she nods at Nyssa when she realises what Nyssa wanted to do. Nyssa burns the ring and the league of assassins with it. Laurel smiles proudly. If Nyssa can save her people then Laurel can save the world. 

 

The last conversation Laurel ever had with Nyssa before her death started just after that. 

Nyssa says, “You could’ve given this to Sara.”  
Laurel replies, “I know how to save them both Nyssa. I will save them both.”  
Nyssa asks angrily, “Do you even know what that means?”

Laurel responds sadly, “A life for a life. Nyssa, I’ve known for a while what that means. You of all people should know that I am more then willing to die.”

Nyssa argues, “Sara wouldn’t want you to die.” That’s true. Sara wouldn’t want this… if Sara didn’t want this she shouldn’t have left in the first place.

Laurel argues back, “Sara’s not here.”  
Nyssa fires, “So you are just going to make another decision about her life without her.”

Laurel stops there. Looks at Nyssa; her eyes fill with pain and regret.  
She says with no remorse, “It’s not her decision to make. It’s not her life. It’s mine. This is my choice, and that cure it went to Thea.” Nyssa just shakes her head sadly. 

Nyssa looks at Laurel and sees herself staring back.

Mirrors because Nyssa would never make that choice. She would never sacrifice herself for her sister. Laurel knows this. Laurel is probably the only one to know this. Mirror. Laurel fights for justice and Nyssa fights for vengeance. The same, but different. 

Laurel looks at Nyssa and sees what she could become. Just like she would if she ever met Black Siren. One wrong move and she will fall over the edge. Every bit of her that fought to be a hero, it would make an even better villain. She’s reminded of a conversation the two of them had at the beginning of her training. 

 

Nyssa says suddenly, “You’d make a good assassin.” Laurel stares at her in shock. She stops hitting the punching bag.  
Nyssa continues, “You would… if you weren’t so determined to save a world that tries to kill you. I’ll never understand why you don’t just kill Oliver Queen and be done with it.” 

Laurel whispers, “I can’t. I’ve killed someone before. I don’t think I told you that. I knew him too. He was a cop, who has going to kill Oliver and then me. So I shot him. They keep telling me it was self defense. It doesn’t feel like self defense on the bad days…”

Nyssa prompts, “And on the good ones?”

Laurel sighs sadly while she says, “I pretend I believe them.” Nyssa looks at her in shock.

Laurel exclaims, “Why are you acting like you care? You’re just like everyone else. You belittle me, make fun of me, act like your supplier. As if I don’t already know that. Look Nyssa, thank you for everything you have done, but stop acting like you care because of Sara. I’m not Sara.”

Nyssa just asks, “How long did it take them to convince you that you are worthless…” 

Laurel responds, “Excuse me?” 

Nyssa explains herself, “I’m not training you because of Sara… at first yes… but not now. You aren’t Sara. I know this, you know this. Sara would never listen to Team Arrow if they treated her the way they treat you. Yet you do… I’ll never understand how different you and Sara are.” 

Laurel asks tentatively, all venom gone from her voice, “Did Sara talk about me?” Laurel’s voice almost breaks. It’s not something she would ask anyone else. Not Ollie, not Felicity who seems to know so much about her sister. Just Nyssa. 

Nyssa responds, “Yes. She never stopped. It wasn’t all good. In fact most of it wasn’t, but she started crying once because she was so sure you’d hate her…” 

Laurel interrupts, “She was right… I did hate her when she first came back. 6 years of anger just came tumbling out of me. Apparently, she thought staying away for the 6 years would’ve been long enough for me to get over it… but…”

Nyssa picks up where Laurel’s voice fails, “How can you get over something that you’re not even sure if she regrets?” Laurel nods. She also glances down at her feet like she’s afraid that Nyssa is going to laugh.

She’s so afraid of rejection, or is she afraid of how her sister's ex-lover will react to that. Laurel knows all about lovers who hate her sister for what she did to Laurel. Not that she considers Barbara her lover.  
Laurel looks at Nyssa and expects the anger she saw in so many people's eyes when she told them that. She sees understanding instead. She looks at Nyssa in confusion.

Nyssa explains, “Sara left me too Laurel. Not a lot of people remember that. I can rationalize that she left because she hated the killing… but…”

Laurel says bitterly, “You can’t help, but feel as if it was you personally that she left alone.” Nyssa’s expression barely changes, but there is a flicker of recognition. It’s the first time they truly understand each other. It will not be the last.

 

Laurel smiles at the memory. It’s not something others would smile at if they knew. Mutual frustration and sadness isn’t something others would look at with fondness. That’s not why she smiles though. She smiles at her moment of realisation. Her crush on Nyssa probably started there. It’s long gone now, but it doesn’t hurt to remember being giddy every once in awhile. It’s probably healthy actually. 

She laughs at things that no one else in this room would. Seen things that they don’t quite believe in. Understand things they can’t. She’s been everywhere and nowhere. Her fate is more up in the air then anyone's. Her lifeline is binded by magic more powerful then the one that will kill her. Nyssa doesn’t understand this yet, but she will. Nyssa will understand when she leaves Star City after Laurel’s funeral. 

 

When she stands in places the world has forgotten and learns more about Laurel then Laurel herself would’ve told, or possibly even knew. Learns of prophecies written between cries and pleas that have always gone unheard. Learns about magic that binds Laurel to a fate that is simultaneously too big and not big enough. Nyssa doesn’t understand that. Laurel years later will explain everything… or as close to everything as she knows. 

Magic has a funny habit of tying itself to the one who wants it the least, or the most. Laurel is both. She of course wants it, and at the same time hates the power it could bring. Which of course makes the magic ever more drawn to her. Much to her general annoyance and Nyssa’s amusement when she realized what kept happening. 

Barbara half jokes when Nyssa tells her, “Maybe she should’ve stopped going by her middle name, then the witches would've left her alone.” Nyssa laughs softly and then they both cry quietly. Missing a woman that they never fully knew. 

 

Nyssa comes to her first funeral. The “real” one as people will later call it. She doesn’t come to the second. She knows people who do though. Barbara Gordon. Helena Bertinelli who for some reason was out of jail. Zinda Blake, Barda Free, and Lady Shiva. Maybe Thea was slightly off when she said she’s never met any of them, just maybe. Or it could’ve been flashpoint. Who knows, certainly not Nyssa.

Nyssa only goes to one of the funerals before she leaves to try to mourn somewhere where she won’t be questioned. She only goes to one of the funerals. The one where she feels the most comfortable at. Where she thinks Laurel would’ve wanted her. Laurel really would’ve prefered to only have one funeral, but Quentin Lance apparently hates Barbara Gordon and everyone that follows her. So there were two. 

 

Laurel finds Nyssa after she is brought back to life. No it’s not the other way around. Stop laughing Thea. 

Laurel says, “You cried at my funeral?” It’s more of a question then a statement. An offering of the friendship they lost.  
Nyssa scoffs, “Of course not.”  
Laurel grins while she says, “You so did.”

Nyssa asks tentatively, “Is this even real? Are you alive?”  
Laurel nods and says, “Yeah, I am. Nyssa I’m alive! I didn’t want to die. We were both wrong. I want to survive. I just… just…”  
Nyssa offers, “Couldn’t see past everyone telling you were worthless?” 

Laurel doesn’t look down for once. She doesn’t miss a beat.  
She says with more honesty then she ever used before her death, “Yes.” Yes because that’s exactly what happened. Yes because she didn’t know that she wasn’t worthless. Yes because even now she still hears their words echo in her head. 

Nyssa looks shocked.  
Laurel elbartates, “Nyssa, I’ve been back for almost a month now. It took a long time to find you. After Chase apparently you went of the radar. I’ve been doing a lot of figuring things out. I understand know what they’ve done to me. What they’ll continue to do to me. I’ve left Star City. I’ve left Oliver and all of them. Oh and I possibly have a girlfriend.” 

Nyssa smirks and says, “That’s mildly interesting. Do tell.”

So Laurel does. Laurel talks and then Nyssa does. Mostly about everything Laurel has missed. It’s a lot. Then Laurel offers Nyssa a place on the team that her and Barbara are making. Nyssa doesn’t decline or accept. Which is better then nothing. 

 

Their story started with poison, like any good story. It should’ve ended there too. It didn’t.

It started again with death and mourning. 

It ended again with life and broken promises.

Then of course it started again with hopeful hearts and small crushes

And ended with death and mourning. 

And for the final time it started with hope, joy, and a new beginning that both Dinah Laurel Lance and Nyssa al Ghul so desperately needed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't own anything
> 
> Oh and Happy Canada day!


	6. Tommy Merlyn

Like all good things in Laurel’s life, his life ended too soon. 

Poor little Tommy. Dead, broken, bleeding. Just like her. 

 

Those thoughts may or may not run through her head on a regular basis. She tries really hard not to think like that, it’s just Tommy haunts her. Both figuratively and literally. He stands by her side and watches as she goes through the motions of living. Pretending like she doesn’t have one foot in the same world he resides in. 

Death. His death, Sara’s, Ollie’s, and later her own. Were all results of her actions. Except that’s not quite true. 

Tommy, he died because Laurel didn’t listen to Oliver and she didn’t leave the glades that night. 

Tommy, he died because he chose to disregard his own life and saved Laurel’s. 

Sara, she died because Laurel wasn’t enough for anyone

Sara, she died, over and over again because of actions that were out of Sara’s control or a direct result of Sara’s actions. 

And Ollie… nothing about Oliver’s death will ever be on her hands. 

Just everyone else’s…

 

It all started ages ago. Laurel met Tommy the day she met Oliver. He was mourning.

Mourning his mother. Who died bleeding in the streets well onlookers walk on by. 

Mourning his father. Who isn’t dead, but isn’t fully alive either. Tommy didn’t even know where he was.

Laurel looks into his eyes and a million years later she’ll have the same ones. That’s not now. No Laurel hasn’t lost anything.

No that’s not quite true. She has lost things. Her home. She wasn’t born in Starling city. Sometimes she wonders if it's her fault they had to leave. Sometimes she knows it was. She just hasn’t felt loss the way Tommy has. 

She doesn’t ask who he’s mourning. He doesn’t tell. He doesn’t ask why she’s here, or why she goes by Laurel instead of Dinah.

The answer to that is even now Laurel can see that her mom doesn’t love her the way she’s supposed too. The way a mother should love her child. Her mom loves Sara like that… just not her. It’s not like Laurel minds… it just would hurt too much to use her mother’s name when her mother never lets her feel good enough to bear it. 

She doesn’t tell Tommy this, not at 9 anyway. Not at 9 years old with the loss of his mother still hitting him in the gut. He wouldn’t understand possibly not being loved by a mother.

 

She doesn’t tell him at 15 either. She does, however, tell him she kissed Oliver under the bleachers. 

He asks, “Do you like him, Laur? ‘Cause if you do you should date him. He likes you. You know this.”  
She responds with, “Yeah, but it’s Ollie. And it’s been the 3 of us for a long time Tommy. I don’t want to make things weird.” 

 

It makes things weird. Even if Laurel waited 2 years because of her fears. 

It’s still weird because there are 3 friends. 

2 of them are dating and still trying to hang out with the third. It’s weird for everyone. Just like Laurel predicted. 

 

Tommy doesn’t notice when she fades. It hurts less now than it once did. She’s 19 now. 19 and little Thea Queen who's not even 10 notices what no one else can. Tommy doesn’t. One of her oldest friends… one of her only friends can’t even see that she is drowning. 10 years of friendship and he can’t even see that something is wrong. Not that Laural wanted anyone to notice. It just would’ve been nice if someone other than a little kid did.

 

She doesn’t talk to Tommy until 1 month after the funeral. She’s too upset. Too angry. Scared that Tommy knew and didn’t tell her. That he knew about Sara and Ollie. What they were doing… was there more women? Probably. Isn’t this why Laurel left Ollie 4 years ago? Oh why did she start dating him again?

When she hears him calling out she ignores him. She can’t look at him. He was Ollie’s best friend. He knew everything. He had too. Ollie would’ve told him. 

Tommy runs up to her. He grabs her arm.  
He says over and over again, “I didn’t know about Sara. I wouldn’t have let him. I didn’t know Laur. I didn’t know.” 

And Laurel? Laurel, she just turns to him and clings to him. She sobs into his shirt and he just holds her. Lets her feel everything she can’t feel at home.

 

Home. 

Her parents just lost their child. One of them, but most nights they don’t seem to remember that. Laurel can’t mourn the people she lost. Only pretend like it’s her fault. It’s her fault. Sara’s dead because of her. Ollie is her boyfriend… was her boyfriend.

 

She sobs, “I hate them, I hate them so much Tommy. I miss them too. How could they? How could they? It’s too much. All of this. You’re not supposed to speak ill of the dead, but how can I not? How can I not hate them Tommy?” 

He just whispers into her hair, “I don’t know Laur, I really don’t know.”  
She says suddenly, “Let’s run away. Go somewhere where no one can hurt us.”  
Tommy responds sadly, “You like helping people too much to ever run away, Laurel.”

Laurel agrees, “That’s true, but Tommy I can help people somewhere else. You know that’s true. I can get my law degree anywhere. I was only staying in Starling for him. I can try to save the world somewhere else. Somewhere less painful.”

Tommy realizes then that she will leave. That she wants to leave. She’s just too scared to go alone. Too scared of what she might do to herself if she’s left alone. She won’t leave. Not on her own. Never on her own. 

She only leaves for a few days at time. A couple of months at most. She can’t leave this city. It calls her. She doesn’t really know how to explain. Tommy never goes with her. He can’t leave either. For all of the same reasons. 

 

It’s almost two years before she kisses him. She finds comfort in him. He does the same. She doesn’t love him. He doesn’t love her. What they haven’t isn’t quite love. If they wait long enough it could be. They both know that’s true. 

 

She breaks his heart anyway. What they have isn’t real yet, but she still manages to break his heart. 

It’s Christmas. Laurel is fast asleep on Tommy’s chest. Barbara’s there too. Barbara reads Laurel’s suicide note to Tommy. He freezes. He’s heard her cries for help before. Seen them too. 

But he’s not Thea. He’s not Thea who apparently made Laurel promise to not kill herself. How did Thea know, but he didn’t. 

He says as calmly as possible, “Barbara, we can’t leave her alone.”  
She agrees, “No, Tommy we can’t.”  
Tommy sighs, “Why didn’t we see Barbara? Why didn’t we know? Why didn’t she tell us?”  
Babara just shakes her head in response. 

She then says, “Quentin Lance isn’t here. He wasn’t at her law school grad. Neither was her mother though. She said he was working. She was clearly lying. I didn’t push her though. Do you know where her phone is?”

Tommy asks, “Why do you need her phone?”  
She replies, “Just a hunch.” 

Tommy ends that night wanting to punch Quentin Lance and never let Laurel leave his sites. He does neither. He can’t do either. Laurel’s still curled up beside him. Barbara is the only one who sleeps in a bed that night. Laurel sleeps on his chest and Tommy just doesn’t sleep. He goes over all the possibilities. Where he went wrong. He hasn’t realized yet.

He wasn’t the one who went wrong. 

 

She almost loves him. He almost loves her. They’ve gone on a couple of dates. They’ve gone on more as friends. Those end in one of their bedrooms most of the time. Thea knows. Neither one of them is sure how. She just does. Thea seems to know a lot of things she shouldn’t. Laurel’s more proud of her then she probably should be. Tommy isn’t. Both are proper responses. They pretend not to argue over it, 

 

Oliver’s alive. Oliver’s alive. Oliver’s alive.

She loves Tommy. She’s loved him for a while. He doesn’t know this. But Oliver’s alive and suddenly everything comes crashing down around her. She can’t breathe. She can’t breathe. Joanna brings her to one of the back offices and calls Tommy. Everyone at CNRI knows to call Tommy if something’s wrong with Laurel. 

He finds her curled up under a desk. She can’t breathe or move. He just holds her. They stay like that until Laurel can move again. Laurel doesn’t say anything about Oliver, but Tommy can see in her eyes that all the healing she’s done, could be reversed very easily. 

Tommy whispers, “You could go to Gotham. Barbara is there. He’s not there. He won’t be there Laur. Please. Laurel, you can leave. You’ve always wanted to leave. If you’ll leave he can’t hurt you. If you leave no one will hurt you.”

Laurel whispers back, “I’ve come too far to leave now. If I leave what will they see. What will they say? What will he say? He’ll know that he broke me. He’ll know he beat me. I can’t let them see how messed up I am. If I leave now who will I be?”

Tommy asks the question she’s fearing, “Who will you be if you stay here Laur? I know you want to save the world, but you can’t do that if you don’t save yourself first.”

Those were the wrong words. She doesn’t need comfort. She needs the truth.

She replies snarkily, “Watch me, Tommy. Watch me save the world, and I won’t save myself first. I’ll die for someone else. I’ll die loved. I’ll die when I least want to. And Tommy, I’ll be a hero. The world will remember me for something other than Oliver Queen. Who better have learned to be a better human being because Thea needs someone stable. Someone who won’t break her heart. And you… you deserve a better best friend. One who won’t drag you back into that scene.”

Tommy laughs softly, “I have you don’t I? Aren’t you going to protect me from the Big Bad Ollie Queen.” 

Laurel laughs and says, “Of course I am. The Big Bad Ollie Queen doesn’t stand a chance.”

He grins slyly and says, “Nope, not against Dinah Laurel Lance and her sidekick/romantic interest Tommy Merlyn.”

 

Joanna walks into the office to find Laurel and Tommy giggling on the floor. And for a moment she stops worrying about her friend. 

It won’t last. 

Both the worrying and her friendship with Laurel. That’s a different story entirely.

 

Dinah Lance and Tommy Merlyn, Starling city’s newest couple. By Lily Moore

 

She burns that newspaper. 

Tommy frames it. 

Then they argue about the article.

Tommy asks, “Did you even read it Laur? Or did you just burn it the moment you noticed that it said Dinah Lance instead of Laurel. This is the only article that doesn’t mention Oliver and you burned it for using your first name.”

Laurel shouts, “You don’t get it, do you? You can’t. Dinah isn’t my name. It’s a reminder of the woman who abandoned me. Tommy, I burnt the article because of that. My mother abandoned me. I haven’t spoken to her in 5 years. She has my number. I know that because I found hers and I texted her, but she never responded. She has a contact in my phone. I text her each week and she’s never bothered to respond. Tommy the reason that even now I don’t go by Dinah. 

Because believe me I want to. Believe me, I don’t want to use my middle name anymore and I’d rather not get questioned every time I tell someone. Tommy, I don’t go by Dinah because it’s her name and she left everyone she loved behind without a word and I’m afraid if I go by her name then I’ll do the same.” 

 

Tommy freezes because as always Laurel has more reasons for everything than he expects. And she runs and runs and this time it’s Tommy who finds her on a rooftop. She’s not jumping. She’s just staring over the edge, but she still sees his fears. 

She whispers, “I’m not going to jump. I already told you how I was going to die Tommy. I’m sorry I just got upset. Your right I overreacted. It’s just a stupid article, right?’ 

And all is forgotten for now.

And in the end, she isn’t the one who leaves it’s him.

 

Tommy promises to be better and he still breaks her heart. He knows her the best and he breaks her heart because he got jealous of Oliver Queen of all people. So much has happened. She’s somewhat friends with everyone again. Except that Ollie and Tommy aren’t talking. No one will tell her why. Maybe it’s her fault. 

No, it’s definitely her fault. Tommy broke up with her. 

Which is her fault because Oliver is her problem. Oliver’s her problem because of Sara who was mad at Laurel. So this all comes back to her. So, therefore, it’s her fault. 

He broke her heart. She doesn’t know how to understand that. She doesn’t know how to correlate the Tommy who held her when she cried. The boy who made her laugh. 

How can she compare that to the cold man who breaks her heart like she’s nothing? Like she isn’t his best friend... was his best friend

She’s nothing

 

She doesn’t listen to Oliver. That’s what they’ll say. She knows this to be true. They’ll say she didn’t believe him. They’ll say she stayed out of spite. They’ll say it’s her fault.

If someone asked. If someone would just ask her why. Why? Why did she stay? 

She would say, “I believed Ollie. I knew what was going to happen. I sent everyone else away. I stayed because of the undertaking. My clients they were going to lose their homes, everything they had. I needed to make sure they had something to hold on too. Some little piece of hope. So they wouldn’t stand where I stood. They’d make all the right choices. And if I died, I die knowing I meant something. That I did something that mattered.” 

Someone will never say, “You wouldn’t be remembered as a hero.” 

Laurel will never respond with, “No I wouldn’t. But someone would know why I did what I did. And being a hero, it’s not about being remembered. It’s not about glory. It’s about doing the right thing no matter the consiqunces.” 

 

Laurel never gets to say her peice. Everyone makes their assumptions without asking her why. No one asks, so no one knows. There are so many secerts she will take to her grave. 

She whispers into his gravestone, “I’m supposed to Thank you. But Tommy, you took my choice from me. Ollie did too. Everyone does. So, thank you Tommy for saving me, but I’m sorry about whatever I do next. I can’t promise it will be pretty, or worth your sacrifice.” 

Thea comes up behind her and says, “Laurel…”

Laurel whispers, “Don’t Thea. And relax, I’ll keep my promise. I’ll live until someone else kills me."

Thea laughs softly, “You may keep your promise, but we both know you’ve found loopholes. Laurel, whatever you do remember you are not alone.” 

Laurel says coldly, “Aren’t I Thea? Who do I have left? Ollie’s gone again. I can’t even look Joanna in the eye. Dad doesn’t understand, I’m not even sure he cares Thea. And you… how could I lean on you? With everything, you must be going through? How are you? Do you need a place to stay? I can help you.” 

Thea smiles sadly and says, “I know you can and I’ll let you. I swear Laurel I’ll let you help me at some point. Just not yet. Just get out of Starling. Not forever Laurel. Just for a couple weeks. Go see Barbara. Let yourself rest. Save yourself and then… only then can you come back save me.” 

And for once Laurel is too tired to argue. Too tired to say no. She does want to rest, to mourn. Away from everyone and prying eyes.

For once Laurel doesn’t argue and Laurel runs. To Gotham… to Barbara. Runs and mourns her lost friend. Her lost love.

And maybe one day she’ll learn to forgive herself.

And maybe one day she’ll stop standing in front of his grave. 

And maybe one day she won’t come back to Starling at all.

 

The irony of everything is Tommy haunts her life. She can feel him bringing her closer to death every day. There are times when he is far away. She knows that means she is healing, but he never leaves. 

He never leaves. 

Somehow that comforts her on her darkest days. Finally, someone who will never leave her. 

It’s also terrifying at first because Sara isn’t haunting her. Later that will become clear why that is the case.

 

And as almost 3 years later she lies dying in a hospital bed. She sees him standing there like always. She almost calls out to Thea. Begs her to stay. Maybe if she had of been stronger. She’s so tired. Tired of fighting. She’s so tired. She says to Barbara she doesn’t want to die. She tells Ollie she loves him. 

She turns to Tommy and whispers, “I wasn’t serious in my speech about dying. I’m not ready Tommy. I have so much left to do.” 

He doesn’t say anything. Somehow that hurts her more than the wound in her chest. He just holds out his hand. She stands up and watches her body start seizing. She takes his hand.

And he finally speaks, “Times up Laur.” It’s three words. How many times has her life been destroyed by 3 words?

She barely manages to ask, “Was I enough?” 

He replies, “That depends on who you’re asking about Laurel. But for Thea, you were more than enough.” 

Laurel smiles. It doesn’t last long. She follows her body down the hall and she almost screams when she sees Thea’s face. Her little sister. The one she promised to be there for. 

She whispers, “I’m sorry Thea,” she turns to Tommy and begs, “Please Tommy our little sister needs me. Please…”

He shakes his head and says, “It’s time to go.” She nods. She may not want to leave, but she understands death well enough now. She understands she has to leave. She takes one last look at her friends. She takes one last breath. 

Her last thought is of Sara. Her little sister. If she had of known that the last time she saw her was the last time… She would’ve done something special. Something perfect. But she didn’t know that. And it wasn’t perfect. But it was something. 

The last thing Laurel hears is the doctor saying, “Time of death 11:59.” 

Or maybe it's Thea sobbing. 

One last person, she let down. 

 

Tommy Merlyn died to protect her. It's her fault. 

Tommy Merlyn made his choice. He knew what he was doing. It's not her fault. 

Both are true. Both are right. It just depends on how you see things.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't own anything


	7. Dinah Lance

Her first daughter is born on April 10th, 1985 with an unearthly scream. Too loud, too raw for a baby. Her husband named her Dinah Laurel Lance. And maybe she smiles at the name. Dinah Lance Jr. Even if her daughter will one day hate the name with more passion than anyone can stand.

 

Her second daughter is born December 25th, 1987 she cries. Like everyone says babies should. No one looks around the room in fear. Her husband name’s this one Sara. Which means princess and doesn’t have expectations that her oldest will come to reject.

 

Dinah Jr. is almost 3 when she meets Sara. And Dinah watches as her toddler swears as solemnly as only a child can, 

“I protect her always?” Neither Dinah or Quentin quite know what to do with that statement, but nod and agree. Neither noticing that it wasn’t a statement it was a question. So Dinah Laurel Lance makes an impossible vow that somehow Dinah refuses to forget.

 

Her oldest daughter is 6 years old and she’s so “sick”. In reality, she has a presentation today and she’s terrified of speaking in front of people. She’s so nervous and so unlike her sister. 4 years old and already so brash and bold. No, her 6-year-old nervously pulls on her clothes and hides behind her parent's legs. Always lets Sara do the talking. 

Her and Quentin spent a half hour discussing before finally relenting in letting her stay home. And nothing bad ever happens because of it. Her daughter does her presentation the next day like nothing happened. 

(In another life she went to school that day, In another life, she stood in front of the class. In another life, she screamed so loud that the lights burst, and the windows shattered. That doesn’t happen in this life. Not yet.)

 

Her oldest is 9 years old and she’s not the least bit upset they’re moving. Sara is. Sara screams and yells. Not Dinah Jr. However her oldest flinches at the name and one morning before the move.

She declares, “Laurel. Not Dinah Jr. It’s Laurel.” Sara switches instantly. Quentin stumbles and adjusts. Dinah spends the rest of that year stumbling over a name that she doesn’t feel should’ve been changed.

 

Laurel is still 9 when she almost gets expelled on the first day of school. Which in Dinah’s opinion makes no sense because that’s more Sara’s thing then Laurel’s. Laurel is too shy, too quiet for this. Normally it’s like she’s afraid of speaking too loud which in Quentin’s opinion is funny because she screamed loud enough to rattle everyone when she was born.

It’s also the first time she’s truly seen her oldest daughter angry. When Dinah walks in she’s arguing with the principal. About a boy whose nose they will later find out is broken. Because it turns out Laurel can throw a punch.

Laurel argues, “It’s not my fault you can’t properly deal with bullies.” 

The principal says sternly, “Violence is not the answer Dinah.” Her daughter's eyes flash.

Laurel very coldly states, “It’s Laurel. And violence is the answer when people are being treated badly. Or when someone else can’t defend themselves.” 

Dinah’s sure Quentin will be proud. Disappointed, but proud all the same.

The principal signs, “You signed a contract not to harm another student.”

Laurel says patiently, “Contracts signed by minors aren’t legally binding. Also if you're going to expel me for breaking a contract then technically you have to expel 5 other kids because harm doesn’t just mean punching and stuff. It means making someone else hurt. And you can hurt someone without touching them. Like they did to Thomas Merlyn. Do you have any more questions or am I free to go now? Oh hi, mom. Sorry I sorta kinda maybe punched a guy in the nose for making fun of Tommy.”

Dinah just stares at her 9-year-old in shock. She was not expecting to see her daughter act like a lawyer. Or even know how to sound like one. Needless to say, Laurel Lance did not get expelled that day. Instead, she made 2 friends who would do anything for her.

(In another life where she doesn’t have a way with words. It takes a combination of Oliver’s and Tommy’s money to keep her in the school, but in that life she’ll be forever branded as a troublemaker so that’ll be what she'll become.)

 

Years pass and her 2 daughters grow farther and farther apart. Sara is loud and angry and trouble. Laurel? Laurel is quiet, calm, respectful, the perfect daughter in every way. Except for how she seems to disappear when she thinks no one is looking.

And maybe Laurel was never the favourite. And maybe Dinah didn’t know how to love her first daughter.  
And maybe no one, but the 2 of them know this.

 

Laurel Lance is 13 when Dinah’s mother says, “No mother should have a favourite.” 

Laurel is 13 when she looks up and says with no remorse, “Mom’s favourite is Sara.” 

And Dinah knows without a shadow of a doubt that Laurel is right. Laurel is far too quiet and studies for her mother’s taste. Laurel is too much like her father and not at all like him all at the same time. She’s too different and maybe that makes her a bad mother, but all mothers think their children are odd at one point or another. Right?

 

Laurel is 22 when she loses everything. Or close enough to everything that maybe she hasn’t learned to tell the difference yet. 

Laurel is 22 when her mother leaves. Runs. And that day is when her mantra starts.

(Everyone leaves. Everyone leaves her alone. Everyone leaves her to die)

 

Dinah Lance in Central city doesn’t hear about the time her oldest- only daughter tried to throw herself off a bridge. Neither does Quentin Lance though. Maybe, Laurel gives him too much credit for being the one who stayed.

Dinah Lance does hear everything else. Her daughter calls her every week. Sometimes just once. Sometimes it’s a dozen messages. Laurel talks about everything and nothing. Dinah never once picks up.

 

Dinah Laurel Lance graduates Law school top of her class and she has so many job offers she shouldn't know what to do. People envy her. Those who don’t know who she is that is.

Laurel graduates law school with 3 people watching. Barbara Gordon, Tommy Merlyn, and Thea Queen. No one else. 

 

Her mother gets the message about her daughter's graduation and she doesn’t go, but once again she makes the same choice as her now ex-husband. 

What she doesn’t expect is to get a call from a “friend of Laurel's.” She doesn’t expect yelling and being called a terrible mother by a complete stranger.

She learnt right then and there that she doesn’t know her daughter anymore. That the slightly too perky voicemails are fake and just for show. 

“Your daughter’s crying in the bathroom right now. Because you weren’t there. Because her dad wasn’t there.Because she no longer thinks she’s loved. Because she has 3 people in her life. Your daughter’s in the bathroom crying and maybe I spend my weeks with my phone by my pillow hoping I won’t get a phone call saying she’s jumped off a bridge, or she put a bullet in her brain because she doesn’t know how to live anymore. Your daughter is crying in the bathroom because you left her to die.”

 

Laurel Lance is 22 years old when her mother leaves.

Laurel is 27 when her mother calls her for the first time in 5 years and Laurel declines the call because maybe she’s far too angry with her to answer. She stopped calling her mother months ago. Stopped caring too. (Lie)

 

Dinah Lance waltzes back into her daughter’s life and leaves almost as quickly leaving her daughter’s broken heart in her place. She takes Quentin away from her for a while and she doesn’t even know. Because she came back for Sara. She only loves Sara.

 

And if Laurel screams at the ocean that night. If she cries and cries until she can’t feel anything anymore. Could anyone blame her?

Except Dinah picks up the phone now. 1 out of 7 times. And it’s better than nothing. And Laurel desperately wants to be enough. She just wants to be enough.

Except Laurel wants to be loved and Dinah doesn’t know how to love her.

 

(Your daughter’s crying in the bathroom because you left her to rot) 

 

And when Sara comes back. Dinah is there kidnapped and scared, but her baby girl is alive. And fixing her relationship with Laurel is forgotten. Laurel who everyone thought was crazy. Laurel who was poisoned. Laurel who everyone was so certain overdosed. Laurel who is broken and maybe beyond repair.

Laurel who has never been allowed to be angry at Sara. Laurel who is so so angry at Sara and maybe Dinah and Quentin should’ve let her feel all of it.

 

(She’s drowning in life because you left her to rot) 

 

Laurel apologizes to Sara the day she tells her mother that she’s not sure if she wants Dinah in her life.

Laurel asks Dinah to leave and says, “Don’t come back for Sara please, just for once come back here for me. Because I need a mother too, but I’ve spent almost 6 years learning to live without one. So I know I can. Don’t come to me because of her. You have more than one daughter. I am your daughter. Please learn to be a mother to both of us, or leave me alone.”

And Dinah doesn’t know why she’s surprised. 

Actually no.

She does. 

She’s just surprised it took her this long.

Surprised that Laurel had the guts to this.

So she leaves and gives Laurel time. 

Until the calls start up again. Not weekly anymore, but there is order to them. 

Dinah picks up every single one.

 

(Your daughter’s screaming because everyone left her to drown) 

 

Surprise, surprise she comes back for Sara.

Or more accurately she comes back to find out Sara is dead. And she tells Laurel to get vengeance. 

She doesn’t know about the Black Canary. About the way, Laurel throws herself into danger with so little regard for herself.

Doesn’t know what her words cause Laurel to do.

Doesn’t know the pain, the loss. About how no one believes her. About Laurel’s terrible, terrible method of finding friends. (Or lovers depending on who you’re asking.)

 

The next time she sees Laurel, it’s by her daughter’s choice. It’s to tell her Sara is alive. It’s all about Sara. Laurel smiles and Dinah generally believes she wants to be there. Even if Dinah knows that she should do something special for Laurel because for some reason Sara seems to be convinced that Laurel is responsible for this miracle. Besides that Dinah can honestly say that she thinks they could be a proper family.

 

And next thing Dinah knows she gets a call from her ex-husband.

 

Laurel’s dead.

Her oldest daughter is dead.

And at her funeral, Oliver Queen does the eulogy. Much to her surprise. Dinah just assumed Laurel hated him. Is that not what any reasonable person would assume?

The biggest shock of all is that Laurel was the Black Canary???

Laurel was a superhero??? 

Dinah doesn’t know how to react. She’s mourning, but she’s so proud of her daughter. And now Laurel will never know.

Laurel never knew she was loved. That thought keeps Dinah up at night as she replays a conversation from years ago in her head.

“Your daughter’s crying in the bathroom right now. Because you weren’t there. Because her dad wasn’t there.Because she no longer thinks she’s loved.”

She was loved. Dinah should’ve loved her daughter better. Laurel should’ve been enough. Laurel was always enough and Dinah never even told her.

 

Laurel is alive for 2 months, 15 days, 6 hours and 13 minutes when she shows up on her mother’s doorstep. 

 

Laurel has been dead for 2 years, 8 months, 9 days, 50 minutes when Dinah opens the door to see her oldest daughter standing there.

Laurel doesn’t explain how doesn’t say anything. Dinah knows instantly that her daughter is holding a million things back. 

She just asks, “How long have you been back?” The how long have you stayed away from me goes unsaid. But it’s heard all the same.

Laurel responds sadly, “Shorter than you think, longer than I should’ve gone without seeing you… Almost 3 months. I’m sorry Mom, I really am it’s just…” 

Dinah finishes her daughter’s sentence, “I’m not exactly at the top of the “I need to tell them I’m alive list.”

Laurel whispers, “That’s not what I meant.” 

Dinah hums in agreement before saying, “It’s what you were thinking. Laurel, there’s something I need to tell you…”

Laurel interrupts, “You’re married again? You have another kid? Which both are cool just so you know…” she trails off when Dinah clears her throat.

Dinah says very calmly, “I love you, my hero. The Black Canary. I’m sorry. I hurt you, I abandoned you. I… no your dad and I very clearly prioritized Sara over you.”

Laurel momentarily loses her composure and exclaims, “Oh!... uh. I love you too Mom. I’m… You… Thank you.”

Dinah thankfully ignores her daughter’s surprise. Ignores the way her eyes light up at her comments. She waits instead. Letting her daughter take all the time she needs to say what she needs to say.

Laurel whispers, “So I sorta have a girlfriend and I came back from the dead and everyone keeps telling me how important I am… and… and…” Laurel’s crying now and Dinah moves to hug her daughter.

Dinah says, “And you don’t understand how you’re supposed to react because we didn’t tell you this before.”

Laurel nods before sobbing, “Everyone says that losing someone can cause things like that. But why wasn’t I good enough. Why didn’t you tell me you loved me before? Why have I never been enough mom? I just wanted to be enough.”

Dinah pulls her into a hug and whispers, “I’m sorry. I love you, Laurel. You’re my daughter and I’m the one who's not good enough. I failed you and I’m sorry.”

Laurel laughs through her tears and says, “The sad part is I already forgave you for being a bad mom. I forgave dad for being… well, dad. And I forgave Sara. And yet, it took almost everyone nearly 11 years for a simple “I’m sorry.” That’s all I ever wanted Mom. That’s all I needed.”

Dinah says after a period of silence, “I know. Laurel, can we start over. Can I have one more chance to be your mother?” 

Laurel just nods. 

 

Dinah learns everything about her daughter and she never lets her feel unloved again. 

Because Dinah Laurel Lance is her daughter, and maybe Dinah doesn’t quite love her. But she’ll be damned if she lets Laurel know it this time. 

Laurel knows anyways, but she’s happy enough with an illusion for now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't own anything


End file.
